There Once Was a Woman Going to Cape Cod...

...Who thought it exceedingly odd
That her map called the route scenic
When in fact it seemed carcinogenic:
Fast food and putt-putt, a New England facade.

OK, so that wasn't the best limerick ever, but I couldn't find any scatological references that rhymed with "Cape Cod." SO a little bit of advice for those of you planning a New England Vacation: Do not take route 28 across Cape Cod. Ignore the green dots on the map, beckoning you along a scenic coastal byway. Route 28 through Cape Cod is scenic in the same way that Gatlinburg, Tennessee is scenic, which is to say if you could somehow travel back in time, back before the advent of 20 feet tall fiberglass putt putt gorillas and bargain basement clam shacks and snow globes hand made in CHINA by five year old orphans who don't understand the irony any better than American tourists do, well then it was probably very scenic indeed. But right now it sucks.

So instead take my advice: take route six straight through the "bicep" of Cape Cod. If you're into shopping and good food, stop by Chatham. If you're into bargain shopping and good food, stop by Orleans. There you will find no less than THREE rather nicely appointed thrift stores, after which you can eat at Mahoney’s Bar and Grille. The food is incredible, just perfect, and the live music is not overwhelming. Plus they offer a peach-flavored kir royale! The genius of it! Which is perfect if you are traveling with a girlfriend but not quite appropriate if you are accompanied only by your abstemious husband, who feels compelled by duty to remind you what you are like after that one glass of champagne does directly to your addled head.

Then head north and drive to Provincetown. Provincetown was nothing like what I expected it to be, which was described to me by a friend as "the most flamboyantly gay-pride town I have ever been in." Then again, she voted for George W. Bush and I - well, I sure as hell didn't - so perhaps there's a difference of perspective. But I think it actually had more to do with the time of year we visited - now - pre-season - than anything else. Which is also why you should take me double-serious when I say to avoid Route 28, because if it's a four-hour stretch of hell in the off-season, imagine what it's like when the population of Cape Cod increases by 300 percent and a few more Kennedys.

Anyway. Back to Provincetown. Go to P-town. Take the "Dolphin Fleet" whale watching cruise, which is staffed by naturalists from the Center for Coastal Studies - folks who really know their whale shit, so to speak. The cruise is an exhilarating 4-hour ride out into the Bay. We saw finback whales, the fastest and second-largest in the ocean, lunging over and over again as they fed. It was breathtaking, I tell you. And if you don't believe me, just ask my husband, who was so overly stimulated he had to retire below-decks for a hotdog and coke.

Then wander through the streets of Provincetown, where there are so many restaurants you won't know where to begin. If you want The Best International Award-Winning Creamy Clam Chowder (there are international clam chowder contests?), go to Bayside Betsy's. Stay there if you want excellent cocktails and funky beach-house decor with a terrible, terrible retro-80's soundtrack.

If you want anything else, like say a burger for less than $13, go elsewhere. And by "elsewhere" I mean somewhere other than Cape Cod. And don't forget to take Route 6, which is plenty scenic even without the gorillas.